i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I need a burrito and a hug.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
