Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
