im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
