I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
