I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
