My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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