That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
