Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
