John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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