The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
