Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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