You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am midnight drunk by noon
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
