a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
