shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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