Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
