I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
