i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
people are starting to question the shark bite story
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
