Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
