He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
