Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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