I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
