I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
