I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
