I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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