I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
