i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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