she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
