i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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