Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
