Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
