Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
