i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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