I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
