She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
