I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
