I'm gonna have a badass scar
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
