I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
