I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
