We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
