yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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