doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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