you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
