I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
