I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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