I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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