Where did you get a picture of my penis
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
