He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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