i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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