so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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