dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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