you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
