You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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