HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
