Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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