Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
