yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
