Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
