Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
