I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize