I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
