I think my vagina is haunted
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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