Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
