I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
