i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
