Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
