M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
