i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize