No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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