the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
