Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
